Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Unpacking

Lately I haven't been feeling myself. I've been off in my own sad world. Today feels different. I feel open and generally okay. I know that everything is going to fine and I know who I am. I think it's because I'm finally unpacking. This is almost as good a feeling as painting, except I don't feel drained as if I emptied myself of all my emotion... I feel exhilarated. I am going to make this place that feels like a storage room with a kitchen, into a home. I have a lot left to do but, I know I'll get through it. I have a plan for this place. A plan for each room. I know what I want them to be and with Terrel's help, I'll finish it.

<3
Catherine

Monday, January 30, 2012

Little Noises

Sometimes I feel as if the world is eating at me from the inside out. Everything just feels off to me. I don't know what I'm doing. Today I feel somewhere between, just in the middle. It's an awkward place that makes me angry and sad and lonely. I try to separate myself from my feelings and focus all my energy on something else but, it doesn't always quite workout.
I feel completely alone and utterly devastated for no apparent reason. I don't have it bad. I actually have a pretty good life. I have a loving boyfriend who protects me when I have nightmares and puts up with my randomness. Things are tight but we make it and  can go out every so often. Once I have a job too things will be better.
But, how things actually are don't have an effect on how I feel. Things could be as fantastic as I could possibly imagine and I would still want to hide in a corner with a book and some coffee. Disappear into that world. I'm not as good at disappearing as I wish I were. Because when I hide that's when the little voices that tell me I'm not good enough, start yelling. I try to drown them out with music, tv and work. It gets harder though when I'm at home all the time.
Sometimes though, (today for instance) I read things like this The Traveling Red Dress Revisited and I feel a little better. I see there other people out there who feel as scared and out of place as I do and there are things I do to feel like myself again, to know that what I think is wrong and I am good enough. And it could be as easy as putting on a red dress.
I don't have a red dress anymore, since my late rat Ophelia ate holes in the bottom of it. But, soon, I will have a red steampunky Wonder Woman costume, which I am making from the parts of the dress that were not eaten. And I think that for myself anyway. I couldn't ask for a better red dress. I will post pictures when it's finished.

I apologize for the rambling nature of this blog.
-Catherine